Lowell Steiger's Los Angeles Law Blog

Dumb Things Lawyers Say in Court: A Funny Video

Well, sometimes lawyers say dumb things in court.  They ask dumb questions but, really, are the questions all that dumb?  Or are they just a quest for the truth?  You be the judge

 

Indecent Exposure Defense Strategy

Need I say any more?

Law School Musical, A Video

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I just watched this very cute video on Youtube and thought I'd share it with you. It's a song about the rigors of law school replete with appropriate drawings.  Enjoy!

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(323) 852-1100 or send an e-mail to me at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

Lawyer Jokes and Videos: We All Can Use A Laugh About Now

With the election nearing, the economy in the dumper and too much acrimony for the American heart and soul to withstand, I think that some self-deprecating lawyer jokes are in order:

A Lawyer and the Pope Arrive at the Gates of Heaven

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day.  The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters.  The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates.  The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them.  We've never had a lawyer."

A Lawyer, A Doctor and a Clergyman -- and $30,000

                                                                                                                                                       As Mr. Smith was on his death bed he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to & this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.  While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to & this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.' The physician then said, Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to & that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.'

Questions and Answers

Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.

Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? Answer: A great place to start.

Question: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? Answer Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Prank Calls to Lawyer's Office (Video) - Proving That Lawyers DO Have Ethics

If you, or someone you know, has been injured, please call me immediately at (323) 852-1100 or send an e-mail to me at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

John Edwards Tells a Lawyer Joke (Video)

From Actual Court Records

Another classic which was allegedly taken verbatim from an actual court case:

The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test.  The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fence post.

Counsel: Has the court stated it in numerical terms?

The Court: His IQ is less than zero.

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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at          (323) 852-1100       

or via e-mail at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

www.steigerlaw.com

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Lawyer Joke

I liked this one:

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.  The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.  The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.  "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.

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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100

or via e-mail at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

www.steigerlaw.com

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Slouching Towards Hypocrisy: Just Say "No" to Tort Reform

I just found this fantastic Slowpoke cartoon by Jen Sorensen entitled "Slouching Towards Hypocrisy."  Amusingly poignant.  To paraphrase former First Lady Nancy Reagan,  "Just Say No To Tort Reform."

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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100

or via e-mail at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

www.steigerlaw.com

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Old Lawyers Fight at Deposition: Video

Here's what not to do at a deposition!!!  I've been to some pretty contentious depositions but this is a doozy.  Get your popcorn and enjoy the ride. Although this is fun to watch, I don't recommend this type of behavior at a deposition or any legal proceeding -- it does not foster good will and certainly impedes progress in one's case.

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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100

or via e-mail at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

www.steigerlaw.com

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

The Mafia Godfather, The Bookkeeper and the Lawyer

Sometimes we, as lawyers, take ourselves a little too seriously.  So, in an attempt to change that mind set, here's a joke that someone forwarded to me this morning.  It doesn't make us look too good but it certainly made me smile!

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.  His bookkeeper is deaf.  That was the reason he got the job in the first place.  It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney who knows sign language.  The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.  The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100

or via e-mail at [email protected]

"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"

www.steigerlaw.com

If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation

Lawyer Jokes (New Entries)

Dear Readers,

I, for one, think it's healthy to laugh at oneself.  Please feel free to add more jokes under the "comments" section of this posting.

Lowell

[email protected]

www.steigerlaw.com

The Lawyer and the Barber

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

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That's a Real Bargain

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."

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Published in the Salt Lake Tribune (allegedly from real court transcripts)

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

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