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With the election nearing, the economy in the dumper and too much acrimony for the American heart and soul to withstand, I think that some self-deprecating lawyer jokes are in order:
A Lawyer and the Pope Arrive at the Gates of Heaven
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
A Lawyer, A Doctor and a Clergyman -- and $30,000
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most -his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to & this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to & this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.' The physician then said, Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to & that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.'
Questions and Answers
Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.
Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? Answer: A great place to start.
Question: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex? Answer Because it's all bad and some is worse.
Prank Calls to Lawyer's Office (Video) - Proving That Lawyers DO Have Ethics
If you, or someone you know, has been injured, please call me immediately at (323) 852-1100 or send an e-mail to me at lowell@steigerlaw.com
"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"
John Edwards Tells a Lawyer Joke (Video)
Another classic which was allegedly taken verbatim from an actual court case:
The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fence post.
Counsel: Has the court stated it in numerical terms?
The Court: His IQ is less than zero.
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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims
If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation
Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100
or via e-mail at lowell@steigerlaw.com
"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"
I liked this one:
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney.
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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims
If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation
Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100
or via e-mail at lowell@steigerlaw.com
"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"
I just found this fantastic Slowpoke cartoon by Jen Sorensen entitled "Slouching Towards Hypocrisy." Amusingly poignant. To paraphrase former First Lady Nancy Reagan, "Just Say No To Tort Reform."
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The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims
If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation
Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100
or via e-mail at lowell@steigerlaw.com
"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"
Sometimes we, as lawyers, take ourselves a little too seriously. So, in an attempt to change that mind set, here's a joke that someone forwarded to me this morning. It doesn't make us look too good but it certainly made me smile!
Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers?
**********************************************************************************************
The Law Office of Lowell Steiger Represents Injured Victims
If you have suffered a Personal Injury, Call for a Free Consultation
Contact Attorney Lowell Steiger at (323) 852-1100
or via e-mail at lowell@steigerlaw.com
"Treated With the Respect That You Deserve"
Dear Readers,
I have given this some thought and realize that, like it or not, people love lawyer jokes. In fact, I love lawyer jokes. So, what better place to read lawyer jokes than on a blog maintained by a lawyer? Anyone who knows me knows that I take what I do very seriously but I also enjoy good humor.
I'm starting with several jokes and hope that this will get you started: Please go to the comments section of this posting and add your own lawyer jokes. My only request is to keep it clean. Enjoy!
Lowell
A Lawyer and his BMW
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Three Questions
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
Witness Stand
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."
The Pearly Gates
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
Clarence Darrow
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Remember, feel free to use the comments button below to add any lawyer jokes to this post!
Lowell
